The Secret to Losing Weight…Eat Less Food!

Posted: July 20, 2010 in Uncategorized

One Meal

I’ve been doing a secret in depth investigative report on weight loss and have uncovered a startling fact. I don’t want to get too excited about this but I believe I have discovered the secret to losing weight. Eat less food.

I know…bizarre, right!

Apparently there’s been a radical group of so-called medical experts called “doctors” on the outer fringe of the nutrition movement saying this for years. I for one didn’t hear them–probably because of all the loud chewing. But I’m listening now.

This revelation began in the course of my “investigative report” on dieting. I recently went “undercover” as a dieter and since I’m a dedicated investigative journalist I needed to “look” authentic so I spent the last ten years packing on an extra 40 pounds. It was tough but, hey, its my job!

Anyway, with the assistance of my wife, who has secretly been a member of that “eat less food” cult since I married her, I embarked on a diet. For research purposes only, of course. We went straight to the paragon of responsibility, that pillar of reliability…the Internet…to find a diet to “research”. A few days later it arrived. A month’s worth of meals–in a shoebox. Okay, I’m exaggerating. The box wasn’t quite that big.

The box contained packets of powder which the instructions allege is “food” but is actually smaller than the amount of  salt I’d sprinkle on a typical meal. The plan is to mix the powder with lo-cal ice and water and “enjoy a tasty shake”. I got the mixing part down, I’m still waiting for my wife to return from Burger King with the tasty shake.

Turkey the Size of my Palm

You want to hear the good news? I get to have five of these packets a day! Plus one “real” meal consisting of a vegetables and a piece of chicken, turkey or fish “the size of my palm”. I’m stuffed just thinking about it.

I just started my diet… er… “research” last week and have made some important observations.

1) The palm of my hand is not nearly as big as I’d like it to be.

2) Hunger makes you do strange things, like fantasize about drinking glasses full of strawberry flavored wallpaper paste five times a day.

3) I now know what it would feel like to let a mating pair of weasels loose in my stomach.

I can’t tell you if this diet has actually been working. I’m avoiding the scale until the one-week anniversary Thursday. But I can promise if I’ve lost weight I’m going to celebrate.

With a tasty shake.

Stephen

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Comments
  1. Boy that packet looks appetizing and you really gotta get control of those weasels. ;-) Good luck!

  2. Toka313 says:

    This sounds like a very non-enjoyable food experience. So sorry for your loss.

  3. Margo says:

    The funniest diet-post i’ve ever read. Looking forward to the post-diet-post!

  4. meowwz says:

    Sounds as good as the ” 1 apple,1 egg, 1 orange”. 3 times a day diet. Took more time to cut it up than to eat it!

  5. Joni Golden says:

    Steven, Steven, Steven… those little packets are fine, but you can’t live on them the rest of your life! Hook yourself up with a nutritionist and a fitness coach. Before you starve yourself into an eating binge.

  6. Scott Bowman says:

    That sounds rough. Do you get to chew on the packaging for fiber?

    Good luck sir :)

  7. melissa says:

    it took you 10 years to pick up an extra 40 pounds? heck, i did it in 1 year. not my fault though. stupid thyroid.

    so, cut back on food, eh? i heard a little doozy whopper myself…something called aerobic exercise. sounds SO SCARY though.

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