I promised an update on my diet…er…investigative report. Just to fill you in, I spent the last ten years or so packing on an extra 40 pounds just because that’s the kind of dedicated journalist I am. If I’m going to “pose” as a dieter I have to look the part…and boy do I look the part.
Anyway, I began my undercover research with a diet that arrived on my doorstep about two weeks ago in a shoe box. The box contained dozens of packets of a substance that is allegedly food but actually tastes only slightly better than the shoe box itself…and believe me I’ve tried them both! But after my two week weigh-in I was startled to learn that I had lost 17 pounds. There might actually be something to this wild theory that losing weight is simply a matter of eating less food! I’ve now lost the equivalent of the weight of my cat Ginger before my wife put her on a diet.
I also noticed that I’m beginning to run short of “food” packets which lead me to the conclusion that I’m going to have to find a new way to eat pretty soon. That’s when I stumbled upon the revolutionary diet plan that will make you skinny and me rich.
I call it the: Eat Exactly What My Wife Eats Diet.
The plan is quite simple: You give me some money and I will text or tweet you every time my wife eats something. I’m pretty sure I can find a scientist who will back me on this one. You see, my wife is exactly the same weight she was when I married her. When she got pregnant with our two children I gained weight, but I don’t think she did. So it stands to reason that if you eat exactly what she eats, at precisely the same time you will wind up in the same shape.
And as a bonus for signing up early I’ll toss in, free, “My Wife’s Exercise Plan”… which consists mainly of running around the house hiding things from me.
So, let me give you a little preview of how a typical day might go on the “Eat Exactly What My Wife Eats” and “My Wife’s Exercise Plan” program.
You might get up in the morning and make a pot of coffee. Go ahead and use high fat coffee creamer because you’re not going to drink the coffee anyway. Instead you will notice that the bathtub needs caulking and on the way to the garage to get the tools you’ll notice your spouse left his/her briefcase in the hallway and you’ll hide it.
For breakfast you might cook a two egg omelet with low calorie cheese and broccoli. But you’ll forget to eat it because you will have noticed the exhaust vent on the stove needs cleaning. And on the way to the garage to get the cleaning supplies you”ll notice your spouse left his/her shoes in the family room and you will hide them.
Lunch generally consists of a sandwich and a bowl of soup, which you’ll forget to eat because you”ll have noticed the food in the pantry wasn’t stored in alphabetical order and in the course of implementing the Dewey decimal system for canned goods you’ll see your spouse left his/her car keys on the counter and you’ll hide them.
And finally, for dinner you’ll prepare a delicious but nutritious chicken stir fry. But on the way to get the salt shaker you’ll notice the kitchen needs re-tiling. And on the way to the tile store you’ll see your spouse failed to put his/her car in the garage so you’ll hide it.
So, as you can see, the “Eat Exactly What My Wife Eats Diet” with the bonus “My Wife’s Exercise Plan” program works simply by making good, healthy food choices then not eating them. And through a sensible exercise program involving hiding things from your spouse. All you need to do is wait for your personalized text or tweet to arrive the instant my wife does something then you do exactly the same thing.
What I like best about this program is that I won’t have to leave my house, which is a good thing.
I can’t seem to find my car keys.