Archive for September, 2010

I have good news and bad news to report in this space today.

First, the good news:¬† I just had my weekly weigh in and have officially lost 35 pounds in six weeks. You might remember from some of previous posts I’m not actually on a diet. I am deeply undercover researching diets, and because I’m a committed investigative reporter I packed on 40 extra pounds over the last ten years just because that’s how dedicated¬† I am.

Anyway, after losing 35 pounds I’ve come to the startling conclusion that eating less food is the key to weight loss. I know…radical, right? I plan to try out another outlandish theory that exercise can actually help with weight loss just as soon as I get the energy I lost when I stopped eating.

Now the bad news: Ollie, our family’s “spare” cat is missing. That accounts for the other 15 pounds I lost. I guess he’s not technically missing since my daughter knows roughly where he is. It’s just that Ollie shows no interest in coming inside the house.¬† I suppose this will take some explaining.

Sophie, my elder daughter, is in her second year of college at Western Michigan. Despite the fact that she can’t keep a houseplant alive Sophie wanted to take Ollie with her to her new house. There are like ten girls and a German Shepherd living in the house, what could go wrong? We had a family meeting where my younger daughter and I voted “no” and my wife voted “yes”. Being a democracy and all, my wife won and Ollie was on his way to Kalamazoo.

I have described Ollie in previous blogs where I used words like “buzzsaw”, “Feline Freddy Krueger” and “Ginsu knife with fur”… well, I wasn’t actually there in Kalamazoo last weekend when Sophie arrived with Ollie at her new house. But eyewitnesses used similar adjectives to describe Ollie as Sophie approached the front door. Needless to say Ollie never made it into the house.

For the last week or so there have been numerous “Ollie Sightings” in the neighborhood around Sophie’s house. Ollie, being a big-city cat, has apparently taken control of a mob of small-town Kalamazoo cats. They all spend the day sleeping under porches and all night avoiding Sophie’s house. My wife, feeling quite guilty about the whole thing, has launched “Operation Ollie” which includes fliers in the neighborhood, a notice on the animal control website and, according to my MasterCard bill, the Goodyear blimp. She has also rented a live animal trap from Kalamazoo Animal Control which sits on the front porch disguised as something that even the dumbest cat would recognize instantly as a live animal trap.

I’ll keep you posted on the progress of “Operation Ollie”.

In the meantime, the good news is I’ve lost 50 pounds…. but I’d kind of like to get 15 of them back.