Archive for August, 2012

My Diet Is Trying to Kill Me

Posted: August 31, 2012 in Health and Diet
Tags: , ,

This is day five of this thing they call a “diet”. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted anything that has the word “die” in it. And apparently this diet plans to kill me by hacking a pound or two off my body every week until I’m gone.

Anyway my diet involves two very specific steps.

1)   I want food

2)   My wife won’t give me any

I have half a mind to hoist myself off this couch and get it myself except I’m not entirely sure where she keeps it. Plus she’s set up this thing called a “no fail environment” where she’s essentially hidden all the food.

Our pantry used to draw envious looks from the likes of Willie Wonka and the Keebler Elves. Now it looks like those countries you see in UNICEF adds where it hasn’t rained in 37 years.

A “No Fail” Environment

There’s another component of this “diet” I should mention. Its called “exercise”, and it involves putting one foot in front of the other repeatedly—and it doesn’t end at the refrigerator or couch. I have been engaging in this senseless activity for the last week and have logged approximately twelve miles. Yet I find myself standing in the exact spot where I started.

I was also startled to learn this week that most buildings are equipped with a backup to the elevator. Its called “stairs” and I find myself climbing up and down them like some sort of deranged hamster.

I’d like to say I’m doing this out of some noble effort to get into shape and live longer and healthier…look better. But that sounds like my wife talking.

“It’s like having my wife clipped to my belt”

I’m doing it because of my “Fitbit” Ultra wireless tracker. The little sucker sits at my side, watching every step I take, every calorie I eat and every calorie I burn. It’s like having my wife clipped to my belt! My ultimate goal isn’t to lose weight, but to crush every record ever set by Fitbit wearers around the world. I’m competitive that way.

Anyway, after five days I’m proud to say the diet hasn’t killed me… but it’s trying.  It’s carved 5 pounds off of me so far.

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Here I go again.

Here we go again

Today I embark on a quest. Like Christopher Columbus set out to find the “New World”, today I set out to find the “Thin Me”. I know he’s in here. Just like Columbus had actually been to North America three times before he “discovered” America I have lost substantial amounts of weight three times. Like Columbus I hope the fourth time is a charm.

Since I’m in a historical mood today, a little history about me and weight: When I was in my 30’s I woke up one morning and decided I needed to lose weight. Ten weeks later I was thirty pounds lighter. In my 40’s I reached the same decision and ten weeks later I was forty pounds lighter. A few years ago, now in my 50’s, I rolled out of bed, hit the floor with a resounding thud and decided I needed to do it again. Twelve weeks later I was fifty pounds lighter.

Before & After

This tells you two important things about me. I’m a world-class champion at losing weight. And I suck at keeping it off.

When Carolyn and I decided to lose weight and include you, our Facebook, Twitter and TV friends I told you the journey is the destination. That’s especially true for me. When Columbus set out on his fourth exploration he knew the world wasn’t flat and he wasn’t going to fall off. I know with certainty I will reach my weight goal. My real journey begins the day I do.

I’m glad to have you aboard for this journey. I promise I will be supportive if not occasionally obsessive about it. But after we complete our journey and reach our destination… that’s when I’m going to really need your help.

Lets roll!

Stephen